World Mental Health Day
- 2heartedhusky
- Oct 10, 2024
- 5 min read
Today, 10th October, is World Mental Health Day, so I thought I'd do a blog post about precisely that: Mental Health. Reader discretion is advised. Some of this may be triggering.
I'm pretty open about the fact that I struggle with mine a lot. I have clinically diagnosed depression, anxiety, bipolar type 2, PTSD, and c-PTSD, and self-diagnosed AuDHD (combined Autism and ADHD). These impact my relationships and day-to-day life in a number of ways. I won't get into all the specifics, statistics, or medical talk; this is me sharing my experiences to the best of my ability. But I'm a little low on Spoons today, so we'll see how this goes. (Spoons refers to units of mental energy, a popular metaphor used by the disabled community thanks to this lovely theory: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory . Also, see the image below from https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/the-neurodivergent-spoon-drawer-spoon-theory-for-adhders-and-autists)
You are never alone.
Whether you read beyond this point or not, please remember that.
I love you.
To get right into it...
Depression: my brain doesn't make/hold onto its "happy chemicals" the same way a healthy, neuro-typical person's brain would. This impacts my motivation levels, mood, sleep, appetite, ability to experience/enjoy pleasure and satisfaction, and how I maintain relationships.
It causes frequent headaches, bone-deep weariness, a need for extra sleep but either being unable to get any or sleeping for up to three days straight, a lack of feeling rested no matter how much sleep I get, hopelessness, lethargy, underestimation of my importance in my friendships/relationships, low to no appetite, rejection-sensitive dysphoria, stomach discomfort, and memory loss.
Anxiety: I overthink everything. Not in the cutesy, clout-chasing way social media has probably made you grow accustomed to. In the has-to-plan-an-escape-route-during-every-outing way.
The panic-attack-in-the-middle-of-the-grocery-store-because-they-changed-the-layout way.
The reading-into-every-word-spoken-to-me-because-clearly-everyone-hates-me-and-is-just-pretending-because-they-feel-obligated-or-something way.
The has-to-rehearse-the-million-different-ways-every-conversation-can-go way.
The cries-over-having-to-make-or-answer-phone-calls way.
The can't-even-leave-home-without-a-comfort-item-or-else-I-have-a-meltdown, slowly-developing-a-strong-agoraphobia way.
It's terrifying and exhausting. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I'm thinking of what could go wrong and all the ways I could get hurt, no matter if it would be physical, mental, whatever. And don't even get me started on the dental/oral pain from the frequent grinding and clenching of my teeth... But I can't make myself stop no matter what I (can afford to) try.
Bipolar 2: I have extremely unregulated, "unstable" emotions and moods. I typically experience episodes of extreme depression lasing for weeks or months at a time, followed by sudden episodes of manic energy that last from a few days to a couple of weeks.
Sometimes, my mood shifts are much more immediate, dependent on external stimuli or a strong and sudden surge of stress emotions, etc. I also have a lot of difficulty controlling my emotions, especially the more extreme ones like anger or excitement. These emotions are intense for me, sometimes consuming me completely. It's gotten in the way of more than one deeply important relationship.
Bipolar 2 is also primarily responsible for my "spin-outs" or mental/emotional spirals. It's like a snowball rolling downhill, gathering more and more snow (representing negative emotions, thoughts, etc.) until its an unstoppable force. Sometimes, it doesn't even need a trigger. Sometimes, I'm not even aware it's started until I'm already trapped in it.
Another thing my bipolar 2 causes for me is what I call "void days." On these days, I don't feel anything. Not even numb. At least when you're numb, you know you're numb because you feel it. On my void days, I don't even feel that. I feel like I don't exist, like nothing does. I feel heavy and weightless at the same time. I feel, well, void. Sometimes it's a sort of limbo. If I could feel anything on those days, it would hurt. The aftermath/recovery period always does. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
PTSD/c-PTSD: PTSD is from a singular traumatic event, such as but not limited to car accidents, deaths of loved ones, homelessness, etc. I've experienced all of the ones I've mentioned. It is also possible to have PTSD from self-harm and suicide attempts, both of which I have also experienced.
The other type, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, or c-PTSD, comes from compounded and/or repeated trauma over an extended period of time, such as but not limited to military combat, child abuse/neglect, and abusive relationships or friendships. I was abused by my mother until I was 18, sexually preyed on by my now-ex-step-dad in my mid-teens, and spent nine months, which felt like as many lifetimes, in an abusive relationship when I was 20. With all of them combined, I've experienced it all; physical, mental, verbal, emotional, spiritual, and sexual abuse.
I experience flashbacks whether exposed to a trigger or not, but if there was one the flashbacks are stronger and harder to pull myself out of, I frequently have nightmares about the trauma, sometimes I have nightmares about loved ones in place of the actual abusers, I overthink, I get panic attacks, and I have hella trust issues. This makes it very difficult for me to truly get close to anyone or fully let anyone in, and also causes a sense of independence and an unwillingness and/or inability to ask for help when needed.
It also comes with feelings of guilt, self-blame, and further down-putting emotions as the result of verbal/mental/emotional abuse. I'm sure you've heard of that phrase about how everyone's their own worst critic, but when you have certain trauma, your brain takes that to a whole new, entirely scary level. It's hindered me at work, too, which is embarrassing on top of all the other emotions that come with it.
Regular PTSD is usually easier to heal from, although it does take some work. But c-PTSD is next to, and in some cases entirely, impossible. Having either one rewires your brain and how it navigates your world. It can be lonely and horrifying, and it can be sneaky, turning even the happiest day into an unwanted trip down Flashback Lane.
AuDHD: I'm starting to run out of energy but I really want to get this done and published today, so I'll keep it short and simple.
I struggle with unregulated energy, I can't force my brain to focus if something is just uninteresting to me, I question absolutely everything or nothing at all, I find it difficult to handle change or heavily-stimulating environments, I often make repetitive movements such as rocking or hand flapping to help "stim" (regulate intense emotions or responses to external stimuli), I struggle with social cues and conversation tone, I'm essentially a "child in an adult body," and I get really sensitive about textures. I might do a more in-depth post about this in the future, but as I said, my spoon drawer is on its last spoon.
But bottom line, in honour of World Mental Health Day, there are my struggles. Well, the tip of the iceberg, anyway. You are never alone, and you are always loved.
⚠️ If you or someone you know is experiencing a Mental Health Crisis, help is always available! If your need for help/support is not urgent, you can contact me on any of my social media platforms:
Or, if your need is more urgent, you can contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline confidentially, free of charge, any time or day:
Call or text the number 988 or visit https://988lifeline.org. ⚠️
💙💙 Your life matters. You are beautiful/handsome. You are valid. You are more than enough. You are worthy of happiness. Your smile is radiant. You are not your past, your trauma, or your mistakes. Above all, you are loved, because I love you. You are absolutely fantastic. Stay pawsome! 💙💙
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